i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
