I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
