I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He called his prostate his "boner button".
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
