We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
