Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
