Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize