I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
