i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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