Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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