It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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