ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
