she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
