Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
