At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
