sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
