Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
