my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
