I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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