Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Are my feet made of real feet?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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