I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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