Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
