Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
