So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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