I'm gonna have a badass scar
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize