I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
