$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
