My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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