when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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