I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
