I could make wine with my vomit
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
