Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
