I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
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