If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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