Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
