The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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