nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
