I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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