dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm passing your future prison.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
