Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
