Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
