At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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