Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
