I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
