ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
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