his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
