As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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