You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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