Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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