WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Randomize
