it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
