There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
this hospital has no fireball
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
