I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
