I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
