I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
