Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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