That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
