I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
