Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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